I looked to my left, where the voice came from
by Pasonia Seltia Keros
Summary: Under the Bad Ending path, Kotonoha suicide. After twenty-odd years of living in guilt, Makoto stumbles upon the ghost of a resolution to the problem between himself and Sekai. One-Shot.


_Author: This follows the Bad Ending where Kotonoha suicided by jumping off the balcony, leaving Sekai and Makoto's spirits in tatters_

"Makoto, would you like to join us for a beer or something?"

_I looked to my left, where the voice came from._  
It was Matsumoto's voice, distinguishable by the sheer gruff in his voice which sounded coarse yet friendly.

"Ah, ah... sure thing, Matsumoto."

It was the beginning of spring, though not quite off that frosty feeling yet. It was marvelous to say the least, not least because of the returning warmth to the lands.

It was also because it reminded me that, however little progress I've made, I'm another year away from Kotonoha's death.

Inwardly, I blamed myself for all that has happened. I shouldn't have been so wishy-washy when it came to my decisions. Even though I pretended I didn't care, I actually knew I loved her, if only in part. I should not have outright rejected her when she said she could not live without me.  
As a result of my foolishness, I lost a friend, one that would eventually tear myself and Sekai apart. It was invisible, but yet it felt real; like a piece of paper, torn in half then torn again, and again, and again, and again... until I could no longer tell just how badly it was torn.

Several times Sekai messaged me over the last five, six years, asking to restart again. She knew my number even though I moved far into Hokkaido, far removed from my horrible memories, because Matsumoto turned out to be one of her cousins. I didn't tell Matsu that Sekai and I were once lovers, and I guessed as much that she would only tell him we were just classmates, but the truth is...  
_  
I couldn't bear myself to face my own actions, the tragedy that unfurled._

***

"Makoto, are you sure you're going to drive home in this state you're in now?"

_I looked to my left, where the voice came from._  
Once again it was Matsumoto, along with Sakurai - our manager - and Chika, Matsumoto's other buddy from his bosozoku days who eventually became a regular at our drinking holes. I waved them off, even though I knew I could hardly look forward because of the pain that took over my head. It was throbbing to say the least. This drink was timely, because it reminded me of so much, strangely. The alcohol numbed everything that pained me, including my own guilt.  
_It numbed me because I felt that I was the important figure that eventually caused Kotonoha to die._

"Y...yea, I'm fine the way I am. I can drive myself home."  
"Umm... okay then. See you on Monday."  
"Goodbye for now."

I had a thought there and then. I'd drive, the inebriated way I am, and then rejoin Kotonoha in death. I felt that only by repaying her death with my own will I finally release myself from this torment. I definitely will, I was sure, die, repay everything, and live in the next plane away from this pathetic existence.

_The drive back home was truly thrilling_, I'd thought. Never before have I seen roads so wide in this part of Hokkaido, but never have I seen four cars overtake me from my right in such uniformity. I could swear that I've never seen something like this before, but all three lights were lit at the intersection, sections of the streets suddenly became repetitive (I should know, I saw three SUNKUS convenience stores look _exactly the same_), and the road suddenly became twisting and bending when they were normally straight.

Then I heard a very familiar voice who told me, hurriedly:  
**"Step on the brakes now, stop!"**

***

_I looked to my left, where the voice came from._  
Once I was sure of the person beside me, I cried bitterly, sorrowful and filled with much regret. It was Kotonoha, dressed exactly as she did on the day she committed suicide, with the same uniform and same long, black socks. I could feel her long hair caressing my arm, and that made me cry more.

"Makoto, oh thank goodness Makoto... you're still alive."  
"Ko...Kotonoha... I... I..."

I felt my stupor, my drunkenness leave me, if for the fleeting moment that allowed me to see Kotonoha in full. Instead, what I suddenly felt was that the both of us were suddenly back at her house, almost as if she invited me into her own world. Right now, I don't recall that I was actually talking to her anymore, because I remembered most of our conversations was "heard" but definitely, I did not feel my mouth or hers move at that point of time.

"Kotonoha..."  
"I know, I know! It must be a surprise for you to see me here today, right?"  
"Um... yea... I thought you were..."  
"I was always around you, silly," she joked. "I loved you too much to leave you."  
"Then why..."

She smiled, almost ruefully, almost embarrassed.  
"The moment I felt liberated from my bloody head, my bloody body, I suddenly realised that even if I forced you, even if I had bound you in my home, or killed you with a knife, or anything that would harm you, myself or Sekai, I wouldn't bring your heart back to me. As a result of my curse to you, I was bound by the all-knowing to you, to safeguard you from physical harm, to not leave you until I have accomplished this mission. It gave me a lot of time to think about stuff, and, well... I realised that I've been pretty silly then."  
She did not say it, but I felt profound warmth in her words. They certainly did not sound like they would come out of Kotonoha's mouth, the way I knew her in high school. Being with her once again, so many years after the tragedy. Tears started flowing out of me - I could feel the sadness overwhelm me but I could not cry out as loud as I would have wished to.  
"Don't cry, Makoto. I was wrong to have caused you two so much trouble, and in the end, you're still the one I can't let go because of my selfishness. Eventually I would still have to, Makoto. Don't worry for me anymore."

A white flash of light suddenly emerged where her house door was, forcing me to hold her back. It was then that I tripped and fell - her hands no longer as "material" as I wished it would have been, and my attempts at grabbing her arm was repeatedly met with failure as she walked closer and closer towards it.

"I've finally found the all-knowing's forgiveness, and in turn I have forgiven you, I have forgiven everything I knew," replied Kotonoha cheerfully, the way she always did whenever she was really happy.

"Don't worry for me. It will be a long time, but I can tell you that I will be waiting for you on the other side!"

And then suddenly I felt a force pushing me into the air, right through walls, and then suddenly, dropping vertically down her apartment block the same way she did...

***

The next thing that greeted me, once I regained consciousness, was a heavy hangover and a huge headache throbbing on the back of my head.  
"Doctor... Doctor, he's come to! Makoto's come to!"

_I looked to my left, where the voice came from._  
It was Sekai, still the girl I knew from so many years beyond, yet now so haggard with wrinkles on her face and on the hand which she had grabbed my arm with, but unmistakably it was the same woman I had fallen in love with. To my other side was Matsumoto, who could only look on, bemused and totally confused. Whereas I...

"Where... am I?"  
"You're in the hospital, buddy. Someone found you sleeping in your vehicle the whole damn morning, and thought you were gonna die. Had it not been for the fellow, you'd have died of alcohol overdose."  
"Alcohol... overdose?"  
"Dammit, that's five whiskeys you downed! We were drunk ourselves so I could only muster energy to pay the waiter, but when I checked later, your damn tab was expensive because of the five whiskeys you ordered! You were lucky someone found you before you really died! Who's gonna settle my drinks bill if you die, man!"

"Stop saying such inauspicious stuff, cousin..." Sekai jabbed at her cousin, sounding exasperated.  
"Alright, alright, fine, I'd stop. But really, just tell me you were looking for him already dammit! You knew the fellow in more ways than one, and then... geez."

"Matsumoto, raise the bed for me," I requested, to which he complied by a mere press of the button. Once the bed itself fully reclined, enough for me to sit up and speak to Sekai at eye level, I promptly stretched myself over and gave her a deep, deep hug.  
It was no longer like the carnal kind which we enjoyed when we did "H", it was the more soulful kind that allowed me an unspoken connect with her consciousness. I felt her crying in my arms, because of the irregular thrusts and shaking that occured on my shoulder, but it was okay.

"Sekai... it's okay... it's all over now, Kotonoha has forgiven us..."  
"She told me too... to look for you in this hospital, and that she's forgiven us."

I could not remember how long the hug went on. What I do remember, however, is that fateful night.

I was grateful for once, and possibly the only time in my life that I felt so lifted and enlightened;_  
that I looked to my left, where the voice came from._

_Thank you, Kotonoha._


End file.
